I continue to think about my romantic heart part that surfaced again a few days ago. Pardon me if I speak of her in the 3rd person, but it's easier that way.
There are some needs that can't be met directly. I can't reach my mother anymore, and that need just continues to ache and burn. I can't do anything about it. Sometimes the person you love doesn't love you back, and that need is just an ache you have to deal with. And I can't get this need for romance met with my current mate. There are other things I get from him, the relationship is still valuable to me and there's a lot of love there. But this little pink fairy girl has some pretty intense need for love and romance that I can't get met with the hubs.
So, we watched some movies together, Pink Fairy and I. And we cried a little, felt a lot of longing and sweet melancholy. She speaks for hope and trust. A fresh view of love. She believes in heroes. Other parts of me ... don't. Bitter old women and starving, battered children, parts who have been betrayed and abandoned and hurt. They don't believe in heroes or the goodness of man.
Pink Fairy would fall in love with Russell Crowe in the Gladiator, Harrison Ford in Blade Runner, and Kevin Costner in The Postman. My bitter parts are appalled and outraged at this feeling of hero-worship... and for a movie star for god's sake! Appalling.
It's been a strange couple of days, with all this stuff surfacing. Internal wars raging between hope and bitterness.
I tried to meet her needs as best I could. Watching movies was pretty satisfying. I think a big part of the satisfaction came just from the fact that I acknowledged her needs as legitimate. The core / parental me - just acknowledging her. Letting her grieve and cry and mourne and long-for, and knowing I was trying to find a way to give her some relief. She has been alone a long time. Locked in a room, fragmented from the rest of me, scorned by the bitter parts.
If I was going to build a Hierarchy of Needs, the first need of the soul would be for acceptance. It's an interesting idea, a modified Hierarchy, starting with Maslow's but using my terminology. Well, it would be interesting to me anyway. :)