Life & Death

Death in a circle of friends -- one of ours died recently.  It's strange having somebody you know - but have never met in bodies - die.  It almost doesn't feel real, except that ... it does.  And it triggers all my own life and death issues.  Fears and body grief.  But I don't feel sad in a personal way.  Not like when mom died.  THAT was a personal loss. 

But in a case like this ... I guess the depth of the grief depends on where our sensitivities are... where our old wounds lie, and which scabs get more easily rubbed raw. 

I didn't cry when I heard A. had died.  But when Kat's doggie died, I cried for hours.  I was devastated.  My heart is more open when it comes to animals, perhaps.  I FEEL more for the loss of a pet. 

And some people are massively triggered by big things like 9/11, and seem to go into real deep personal grief even though they never met anybody who was involved or died.  I was baffled by that.  And some of my friends who were very upset looked at me and thought me heartless for not being as upset as they were.

Society expects certain things from us when a person dies, a certain level of caring and expression.  And I don't respond well to guilt.  I wonder how many people are like me, and don't really feel a lot of grief in a circumstance like this?

Which leads me to wonder about my connections with people.  Or lack thereof.  I looked at my heart and realized there are frozen places in me that refuse to open to human beings, but will open wide to the love and needs of an animal or a child.  I suppose that's why I went into teaching, and specifically why I went into Special Ed.  I would never have been able to work with so-called "healthy" adults, but I could work with damaged children.   I have a hard time loving people.  I have a hard time opening and sharing myself, but I have to be honest here and say, I just flat out have a hard time loving.  I'm a very self-oriented person.

I watched The Big Chill last night, and I had to laugh at Meg Tilly's line -- "I don't like to talk about my past as much as you guys do."  Boy, doesn't that just describe me to a tee.  I like to think it's a generational thing, that folx my age just tend to be introspective and self-absorbed, but I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge the lacks in me, the places where I'm unable to love.  I need to really look at the narrow band of my love. 

I'm not saying that will always be so.  I'm a fervent believer in change.  And as I've cried my heartbreak and fear over the years, I have regained bits of my heart.  So I know that my ability to love CAN grow, as I heal. 

But should I be sorry that I didn't cry for A?  Or is that just guilt talking?

Comments

[Peter]

I didn't cry when A. died either. It has to touch me personally. I'm like you there.

Glad you brought this page back, btw.

[Christine]

I knew you would understand, Kat. I do still ache for my mom. It seems too cruel that you lost your Mags so soon after losing your mom.

[Kat]

I too cried for hours when Maggie died. When my mother died in October, Maggie was my comfort. It was almost worse for me when Mags died as I felt as if my soul-mate had been ripped from me. Even now I tear at the loss. Each of us grieves in our own way. Never feel guilty because your grief is different, less outward. Tears are not the exclusive signs of grief. Your grief for your mother still takes a lot of space in your heart. That is enough of a burden.