Fall Memories

I really wish we had an actual "autumn" here.  We go from way-too-hot right into winter, it seems.  And although there are a few trees in the city that change color, you can tell they're struggling against the tide.  Waiting for a chill night cold enough to help the colors change.  Some years they just go brown and drop off.  It's sad.

When I was a kid, this was a hard time of year.  We moved around so much that we were rarely in the same school from one year to the next.  I wasn't an outgoing child, so it was hard for me to make friends.  I tried to be the "good kid", doing whatever the teacher's wanted.  Coping skills learned in an alcoholic family don't always translate well to the real world.  And being "good" didn't set well with the kids, of course.  I got shunned a lot as the teacher's pet.  Although, actually, many of the teachers didn't like me either.  I suppose brown-nosing is annoying, no matter how old you are.

They didn't understand the precariousness of my existence.  And I didn't understand how to get people to like me.  When by chance some kid happened to take to me or try to be my friend, I was baffled, confused, and desperate to keep them.  I didn't know what made them like me in the first place, so I was always scrambling to figure it out and do it right so they would keep liking me.  Which came across as more brown-nosing annoyance, I'm sure.

Everybody wants to be liked.  It's not unusual.  But for yin-polar type people like me, it seems to be an accutely painful thing.  Folx with more yang energy seem to have a stronger sense of self, and don't seem to care so much what others think of them. That's a great quality, I always wished I could be like that.  But how do you make yourself stop caring about something that FEELS so desperately important and scarey? 

The fact is, the more you want and need other's approval, the less they give it.  You're seen as desperate, needy, clingy, false, cloying, blah blah etc etc. 

When I became a teacher, Autumn meant a different kind of excitement and fear.  I almost didn't make it to my second year.  In spite of all my education and training, when it came right down to it, I wanted the kids to like me.  And as any teacher can tell you, being liked shouldn't be your first priority.  I left myself open to all kinds of problems.  I ended up my first year teaching close to a nervous breakdown.  I had spent most of my time in a state of high emotion, with the kids out of control and taking advantage of my desire to be liked.  I, of course, thought I had been hiding it, but kids see through you.  They see through to your most hidden and secret desires and weaknesses, and they pushed all my buttons gleefully. 

I almost didn't go back the second year.

But then my principal, bless her forever, pointed me toward a summer class that focused on discipline and structure.  That was without a doubt the best thing I could have done.  The most important thing I took away from that class, the biggest jewel on the PILE of jewels the class gave me, was the notion that you must build a structure first, and be the bigbadmeany within that structure, and then from within that structure, you can relax.  Once the structure is in place, the teacher told us, you can and will be liked. 

I was stunned.  She was addressing my biggest most secret fears.

I had to confront a lot of old demons to pass through this fire.  The first month of teaching this "new" way was hell for me.  The kids were surly and unfriendly.  I struggled to maintain the structure.  Every time I enforced a rule and a kid got angry or huffy or cold toward me, I panicked.  I went home and cried in the evenings, wrung my hands, hollered at the ceilings, and went back the next day with my spine firm again.  Standing tall and putting your foot down was a very hard thing for me to do.  I had always wanted to be liked more than anything in the world.  But my "issues" were getting in the way of being able to be a good teacher, so I HAD to learn a new way, and that meant dealing with the old baggage I was carrying too.

And then a miraculous thing happened. 

The kids DID relaxed into the structure, and the DID start to like me anyway.

And after the second month or so... I started to be able to stand up without effort, without fear of being disliked.  And without anger.  The structure was the structure, the rules were the rules, and there were both consequences and rewards in place.  Those things were separate from my feelings, and separate from the kids' feelings too.  Once that was accepted, we could all relax and be ok with each other.

I still have trouble with wanting to be liked.  I still find old demons rearing up at odd times.  But those years of being a teacher helped me begin to develop a backbone.  It was the first step for me, of learning to say no, of going inside to find where my fears were and healing them.

The next step was discovering what *I* wanted and liked.  Amazing to think that had never occurred to me.  All my life before that had been spent trying to figure out what other people wanted, how to be what they wanted, who they wanted.  It was a matter of survival, and I had been stuck on that looping pattern for a long time.  Stepping off the loop, I suddenly realized that I had needs and wants and likes and dislikes of my own.

But I guess that's the stuff of another post.

Comments

[Christine]

D, thank you for saying so. :)) I wish I felt it was true.

Cin, I tried to do a short answer here, but it seems I suffer from excessive verbosity, so I'll try to type my answer up as a separate post. Thanks for asking, it helps me clarify my thoughts.

WearyHag (your moniker always makes me chuckle), thanks for your comments. You hit it right on the head, gaining one's own approval is the thing, and sometimes the hardest thing. It's something I'm still striving for.

[Weary Hag]

I loved this post. I can very much relate. I spent way too many years of my life seeking approval - mainly from my parents, but also from sisters (especially one who had a knack for being cruel to me) - and then it seeped over to all the people who I became closest to.
It wasn't until my mother passed away when I realized that life is going to cycle itself through whether or not we ever attain approval from others. It moves quickly... and it can be SO wonderful to find your OWN approval. That was it. I never really quite approved of my own self till then. Finally, I felt like I could let go of those old "demons" as you put it. At least in most cases. It still tries to come around on occasion; more as a habit than anything else.

I really enjoyed this read. And good for you in breaking that mold with your students. Wonderful!

[Cin]

Yet again I've had it happen - I read one of your posts and recognize a little of myself. You've tweaked my interest - what is a yin-polar type?