I feel like I slipped down into a fog there for a while. The last few weeks have been very dark. It happens periodically. Not as often as it used to, but it still comes and goes, the darkness.
During the dark days, I forgot why I started this blog. I forgot all about "the purpose". The whole point, in fact, was to try to find a reason to live, something that I could enjoy, that would give life meaning and bring back the feeling of joy that feeds my soul.
When my mom died - cripes, almost two years ago now - I went to a very dark place. I wasn't conscious most of the time. I mean, I walked and talked and ate and slept, but I wasn't truly conscious. I cried a lot. I longed for death. There didn't seem to be any point to life, reasons and meanings and purposes were all bleak and dark and pointless. The biggest reason to wake up every day was that somebody had to take care of my dogs. They're my babies, and the thought of leaving them alone and afraid was ... too awful. It gave me a reason to keep going. Not that I could have committed suicide. I don't have the courage. But I thought about it a lot. Mostly I just gave up and stopped living.
After about a year, I began to come up from the darkness a little. I still couldn't feel there were reasons to live. But the heaviness wasn't so oppressive. I entered an angry phase somewhere in there, and anger is a great uplifter. I let myself get angry at god and my mom and the world, really let them all have it. (I have a private room in my house for crying and so forth, and boy, if those walls could talk...)
Sometime in the last 5 months or so, I came out of myself a little and felt like being "in company", but not fully in company. Not enough to join a group or forum, not enough to take a class or join a club. I still have trouble holding normal conversations, and I even lose the thread of emails rather easily. Heavy grief does funny things to you. But I didn't want to be totally isolated anymore.
I also realized I was at a crossroads of sorts. I was sitting on the emotional fence, and I could either draw myself over to the side of the living, or give up and slide back down into death and darkness. I made a decision, to at least TRY to live. It was at that point I discovered blogging. The world of blogging is an entirely unique thing. It allows for personal sharing, and interpersonal sharing in an entirely unique way. I could be both external, and still be internal and the demands of interacting wouldn't be too heavy on me. And I could post about things that interested me, which would help draw me into life and living. I would have to try to find things that fed my soul, that give me joy, that cause my heart to spark.
Coffee and tea seemed a good first beginning. And this blog was born more for the random stuff that feeds my soul - art, drawing and painting and photography (newly discovered)... writing, which I still haven't been able to get back to.
The reason I'm cogitating on all this is that last night I started to feel silly for posting all this bird stuff. And then suddenly I remembered "the purpose". Silly girl, says I, that is THE PURPOSE, post anything that feeds your soul, lest you forget that there's joy in the world and a reason to live.
And these birds, these beautiful birds are a splash of color and noise in an otherwise brown and gray world. The desert isn't a very pretty place to live, although I know some people really like desert landscape. I don't. I keep trying to create something green and lush and colorful, but in the heat my flowers fry.
So, there you go. I remember now, the reason for this blog, the purpose, and I guess I'll just go ahead and post any little silly thing that feeds my soul. The darkness is always so close, and I need every spark of light I can find.
Indeed! I enjoy this blog more than I can say. Don't change a thing!
Posted by: Nancy Bond | August 09, 2005 at 06:42 AM
"The darkness is always so close, and I need every spark of light I can find."
Don't we all?
:-)
Thanks for the light.
Posted by: David | August 07, 2005 at 03:33 PM