Hopeless

In case I haven't mentioned it before, I am prone to depression.

I also have a tendency to go back on myself a lot.  That means I blurt something out and then regret it and spend huge quantities of time trying to explain, justify, apologize, or just plain hide.  That's what I did yesterday.  I posted something, and then went back on myself about it.  Fortunately, resolution is easy here.  One click - ok TWO - to delete the post.  But then I spent some time spinning in the "dumb" zone, with that voice droning in my head "you're so stupid to delete that post why can't you just speak your mind and say what you feel and have done with it have you no guts have you no backbone have you no SPINE???"

My internal war rages on, and self-absorbed as I am, it's much more interesting to me than the world events.  But it's the world events that are triggering all this. 

I had a big cry after yesterday's posting/removal and managed to shave off one layer of heartbreak and rage at the world.  I slept and dreamed and felt a lifting, a lightness, and a hopefulness.  But I went about blogreading again this morning, surfing the blogosphere to see if things are really as bad as they seemed yesterday.  And got triggered again, of course.  I won't go into details and say something I'll have to beat myself up about later.  Maybe I should stop reading other people's blogs, especially the ones about the war, politics, terrorists, religion, who is to blame, and who we ought to kill in order to stop terrorism.  Sure, genocide is the answer.

There's so much hate!  It's everywhere!!  Blame blame hate hate.

So I think I'll crawl back to bed, hide under the covers, cry through another layer of this anger and gut-dragging sadness that's lurking behind my eyes, stealing my breath.  It says human beings suck.  We suck!  We are the most self-centered judgmental cruel heartless hateful beings in creation.  And that includes those of us who think we're so loving and great and "right".  We all suck!  There is no hope for heartfulness.  The experiment failed!  Nuke us from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Comments

[Nancy]

{{{Christine}}} Try this on for size:

Isn't it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity.
Vaclav Havel

I found this a couple days ago and printed it out and stuck it at the top of my whiteboard. It has a few different meanings for me right now, but I thought you might find some comfort in there. I've been where you are.

Nancy